I walked into class, and the professor stopped talking as all eyes were on me.
Only by five minutes, I said in my mind and stammered outside. “T-traffic, sir,”
He gave me an ‘Are you sure about that’ look and ordered me to sit down.
I sighted Chelsea at the far side but caught no sight of Phil. Where could he be? I rolled my eyes eagerly, hoping to find him somewhere.
Not succeeding in making out where he was, I walked to Chelsea’s side and sat down beside her.
“What happened to you?” She asked in a low tone
I placed my bag on my legs and answered. “Traffic. Where’s Philip?”
She bit her bottom lip, not giving an answer to my question, as Professor Jonas voice stopped me from further questioning.
I went got back from school early, remembering I didn’t ask Chelsea of Philip’s whereabouts, as I wondered why he had skipped a class – on a quiz day. Must have been really important. I shrugged the feelings of him not being okay, off and picked up my diary.
🦋 💓 Dear Diary 🦋 💓,
I wish today went so well like I had planned and not had to be on a James’s no-fun zone. I’m still yet to tell Philip about my affair with James, and really wish to do so, but has got no liver – owning to the fact that I’m scared of losing him. I can say I’m having a tough time not telling James, either. And I’m so afraid of what might happen if I came telling James that I wasn’t interested anymore. Gosh, I feel so lost and confused. How I wish Mum was here.
Mum! I lifted my head in excitement and looked to where my phone was on the drawer.
I pulled out a little, stretching my hand from where I sat, and grabbed a hold of it without any time being wasted.
I dialed Mum’s number and in no time, her voice came crawling in.
“Mum. Mum, I need you,” I spoke in a tearful manner, clinging to my phone.
“Baby? Baby, is everything all right?”
“No, Mommy. Everything is not okay.”
“Not okay? Baby, what’s the matter?” She asked, and I explained.
“Mommy, I have no idea what is happening to me,”
“Happening to you? Honey, tell me what happened? Is campus not treating you well?”
“Mum, it’s not that. I just don’t understand myself anymore. I really need you here.” I uttered, seeing my tears drop onto my legs.
I really had no idea what I was saying. All I wished for was to be in my mother’s arms at that moment.
“Okay. Okay, baby. Just breathe. What’s going to happen now? From Henson to Mitch Burg is almost a six-hours drive.” She pointed out, having a hint of panic in her voice.
“Mum, it’s not about coming here. I’ve got relationship troubles.” I saw myself saying without thinking. What did I just do?
“Relationship troubles? Tricia, what will you father say when he gets to hear this?” Her softened tone grew into an angry one.
“But, Mum. You’re not going to tell him, are you?” I said, almost shaken with fear.
“Of course not! What were you thinking, really?”
“I’m sorry, Mommy,” I pouted, looking down at my fingers.
“But we talked about this, baby. Even before you left home…”
“I know, Mommy. But that’s not the situation -” I took a brief pause and listened for what she’d say.
“Then what is?”
“It’s complicated, Mum,” I thought of what next to say, trying not to mess up the words. “Well, the truth is, I don’t even love him. He’s got a whole lot of plans laid out for the both of us, but I just don’t want to be a part of them.”
“Then you have to tell him.” She struck a straight answer, and I frowned.
“You don’t love a guy and you agreed to be his girlfriend?”
“Kinda.” I said with a shrug, having second thoughts about going further.
“Baby, I think you should just tell him the truth.”
“You think so?”
“Yes! You should come clean and let out how you really feel instead of keeping him in the dark.”
‘In the dark’, my mind went to Philip. “In the dark!” I said aloud, bringing the phone directly to mouth. “Mum, I think I should do just that. Thank you, Mommy. I love you very much.”
“I love you most, my sweet.” She said and added. “Now take good care of yourself. And don’t let things like that work you up, okay?”
“Okay, Mum. Love you!”
I felt relaxed a bit, knowing half the weight have been lifted off my shoulders. I looked to the little rack by the side, and I caught sight of my earpiece and made to take them.
Grabbing hold of it, I sat down and plugged the head into my phone – and the other mouths popping out from the under side into my ears, and sent the music playing at the highest volume.
Music was one thing that gave me comfort. I listened to my favorite jazz and laid back down. Raising the pillow a bit, I relaxed my head and in a couple minutes, wandered off to dreamland.
“James, stop! I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean by you can’t do this? Are you giving up on me?”
“Yes! That’s exactly what I’m doing.”
“Yes, James! I don’t love you anymore.”
“Tricia, you kidding right?”
“Does it look like I am? I don’t love you, James. Philip’s the one that I love!”
“You fucking chose that guy over me?”
“Yes! And I’ll always choose Philip cause he’s way better than you!”
“James… James! James, let me go. James!!!” I jerked up, Sweating profusely. What’s the meaning of this?
“Tricia? Tricia, you in?”
I heaved a sigh, realizing it was just a bad dream.
I answered the caller at the door and made to open it.
“Tricia, God! Thank goodness you’re here.” Daphne walked in, making for my bed.
“Thank God I’m here?”
“Yes. It’s a fashion emergency. Oh, I’m doomed.” She said playfully, acting like she was fainting. “Oh, damn! Why is your bed so wet? She asked, rolling her eyes on the water mark.
“Was sleeping,” I forced a smile and sat down beside her.
She demanded that we go shopping together, since I had a list of things that I wanted to buy. I saw that as a great way to avoid working my mind on some things. So I agreed to it.
The semester was almost over and exams were fast approaching. I read all night, trying all possible best to avoid James, while on the course of doing so, got closer to Philip. Our friendship was blossoming really well and mine with Derek wasn’t left out. Things were getting less complicated, and I was still yet to make things right… all because I had my fears.
I was determined to meet up with James and discuss everything with him after the exams came to an end. I just wanted to lift this load I was carrying off me, so my mind would be at ease once and for all.
“Wait here,” I rolled my eyes at the white building and looked back at Chelsea.
“I said, ‘Wait here.'”
“Dude, you’re not saying that I should stay here… all by myself?”
“Well, I know it’d be a bit lonely for you, but can you please trust me?”
She pouted and said, “Oh, fine! Just be safe.”
“Be safe? Chels, you’re sounding as if something’s going to happen to me any minute.” I folded my arms, remembering the horrible nightmare I had long ago. Oh, no. I can’t do this. I breathed out, seeing James trying to strangle me.
It felt like I was seeing things – things that had happened in the dream.
“Y-yes,” I felt a lump in my throat as I answered.
“Man, you’ve been lost in there for quite sometime. Is something wrong?” She asked concernedly and I rubbed my cheeks.
“Chels, there’s something I need to tell you.” A pang of guilt flushed over me.
“Something? H-hold on. Is that guy waving at us?”
“That guy?” I turned around anxiously, seeing James make towards us. Not now!
“Baby?” Chelsea’s surprised voice came.
I felt sweaty, even though the weather was slightly hot. I couldn’t believe James just called me that. Isn’t he see someone with me? “Hey.” I returned his greeting and put a hand between us.
“Uh, aren’t you going to hug me?”
“I’m not here for that.” I said, not smiling. “We need to talk… alone!” I signaled to Chelsea and she copied the signal..
“Oh, um. I’ll let you guys do your thing.” She said and whispered to me.
“You are so gonna tell me all about Mr. Hottie.”
Hottie… indeed! I thought sarcastically and James chuckled at the sound of the name.
“So what’s that you wanna tell me?” He asked the minute Chelsea left.
“Well, when I said alone… I didn’t say here. Especially not with all these people watching us. They might think something.”
“I see. Let’s go in then.” He leaned to take my hand and I clasped it with the other. “Let’s just go.”
I was able to let out how I really felt about the two of us being together, and I could tell how angry he was by just looking at him.
“What do you mean we can’t be together? Are you letting go after everything we’ve been through?”
Oh, my God, it’s happening. “J-James, it’s not that. I just don’t want to be stuck in this. I can’t keep secrets from my parents, you know. Not anymore. Please understand.”
“Understand? Understand what?!” He thundered, clenching his fist.
“J-James,” I made to touch him as he slapped my hands away.
“Is this because of your parents… or because of that little weasel you’re always following around?”
“James! James, you know this has nothing to do with Philip.”
“Oh, it has everything to do with that insane brat! You think I don’t see you two?”
“James, please! Please don’t drag Philip into this. He hasn’t done anything.”
“He’s going to pay for everything. And as for you, you’re going to get it!”
His firm hand came on mine and I struggled to be made free.
“James, stop. Stop it! You’re hurting me!” I shouted in fear, pleading for him to stop.
“Oh, you haven’t seen hurting, Parker!” He snarled like an animal, digging his sharp fingers into my skin.
I struggled harder, trying to free myself as his sudden push came. “James -” The last words I uttered, remembering nothing again.