In my country, two plus two is equal to pounded yam. Four plus four is equal to Dubai. If you are a poor Nigerian reading this, you may not get to understand the above formula. You have to become a Nigerian politician before you understand.
I am a son of a thief. You are a son of a thief. The brother seated close to you is a son of a thief. We know ourselves, we are just pretending. We are all son of a thief.
I am not sorry for the things I have said. I won't even be sorry for the ones I want to say. You know why? It is because we all are son of a thief. You can't be sorry for saying the truth. You should rather be thanked for saying the truth. At least for saying that we all are son of a thief.
Saying I am a son of a thief. Does it mean I am a thief? Does it mean you are a thief? Or does it mean we are only a son of a thief? Yes. You. I. We. Us. All. Nigerians.
Okay. Your grand-father stole meat from his mother's pot, Your father stole meat from his mother's pot. You are not an exemption of the path created before your birth. You can't help, its what you were born to see. Do you see why I said we are all son of a thief in this country?
How about the N36m that went missing some time ago in this country? I mean the N36m that was swallowed by a snake according to our big people. We believe. We believed. Nigerian snakes can swallow a human. I thank God it never swallowed anyone to avoid another spending for the funeral of the swallowed. But I hope we are still searching for the mysterious snake? I hope we find the snake soon, else, I won't stop calling everyone here 'son of a thief'.
The thing is, we know we are all going to hell. But who is taking the lead is what we don't know. Is it the boy who got burnt for stealing five hundred naira? Or the pot bellied man who is cruising with our millions of naira in a convoy deafening our poor ears with siren? Or the clergyman who is deceiving us to get our money? We don't know who will lead us there, but at least we know that we are all 'son of a thief'.
We have successfully built a brand for ourselves: Naira, a man who dupes people of their naira. Gandollars, a man who gets dollars for contract.
Last week I heard a man on the radio who said that one hundred and something immigrants were deported back to Nigeria. Who knows the reason behind that? Maybe they're scared of us. I heard they never allowed anyone into their country; not even the infants. They know we can own oil wells within a space of any duration. They know we can build hotels and store the money in our belly. Maybe they know these. Maybe they do. It could be they have read the story of our famous Aninih or that of our politicians. Or maybe they know we are son of a thief.
How more can I tell you these things? We steal ourselves, we catch ourselves, and we kill ourselves by burning or detain ourselves on newspapers. Sometimes the ones we love only bear thief on headlines, but free in reality. If you are in power impunity will cover you. In fact, we shall prostrate for you. We shall call you chairman, we shall call you oga.
Can you remember the story our big people told us about rats and how rats sacked our President from his office? We believed the story. Thank God the rats never ate our President's WAEC result. We knew it is possible for rats to destroy Buhari's office. Jokes aside, Nigerian rats are terrible.
My friend once lamented of a group of rats that ate his mattress, drank his bottle of olive oil, ate the whole bottle and everything else inside but not the rat poison. So imagine what political rats can do -- no doubt, at least it never ate our President's WAEC result. At the end of the day, I heard that N200m was used to fumigate and sanitize the office of the President. My business is not how the rats managed their way into a well-secured office. My problem is how they used N200m to fight rats away. My problem is how you would begin to argue with the title of this work. My problem is how you will begin to think that we all are not a son of a thief.