I thought I would get pregnant. A million thoughts ran through my mind between the time I was raped and my next menstrual cycle. What if I got pregnant? How will I tell my parents who got me pregnant? Would my parents believe me? How will I nurture a child whose father I don’t know?
Of course, I can’t say who the father was. Somehow, I had the feeling that both men slept with me while I passed out. Anytime my mind drift to the role that wolf in sheep’s clothing, Mr Tolu, played in the ugly incidence, I cursed till the tenth generation. What if he was threatened like I was?
But why should he sell me to those goats? He called me some days after the incident to apologize. He said he knew about it, but didn’t know how to tell me, he heard them discussing about it, and that was why he didn’t come to the office, because he knew what they were capable of. In a way, I feel he was involved; or why was he afraid to tell me? I wouldn’t have showed up at the office if he had.
I lost faith in everything that had to do with God. My spiritual life went down the drain. I became a shadow of my position in the Lord. Why would I serve a God who allowed his representatives to hurt me badly? He is the all-powerful God; He could have stopped it from happening. If He loves me as He proclaimed, He should have shown me at least a dream about those evil men’s plans. Maybe there is no God after all.
I woke with blood stains two weeks after the rape, I was worried earlier because it was two days late. It lifted a big part of the weighty burden on me, but it was a partial relive not total. I noticed after I was a defiled, I began to have an uncontrolled passion for sex. I could not tame the desire, I was at home, under my parent’s watch, there was no one at home fill in the spaces.
I turned to masturbation for satisfaction, but it couldn’t fill the hollow in me. As I battled this demons, my parents knew nothing of my battles. To them, I was still their holy daughter, a role model for other girls in church and neighborhood.
“Shade, did you do your quiet time today? My mum asked after dinner few days before my NYSC call-up letter came.
“Yes, I did mum.” I lied, it came out swiftly, I wonder where it came from.
NYSC posted me to Lagos. My dad was very happy. He prayed against any posting to Northern part of the country, it was a relief to him. “Shade, win Lagos for Jesus”, he told me the day I was leaving for camp. I giggled, and said within myself. ‘’Win Lagos for a Jesus who didn’t care if I existed.” I was a million miles away from him.
I had been excited about going for NYSC before graduation, it would be another open door to explore another part of the world, to meet new people, to win more people to Christ. Rural rugged was always on my mind, as I had heard what miracles corp members perform when they go to hospitals and villages.
I was still excited but now had a different mission. I would finally be able to meet people, I mean guys, to explore my sexual feelings with, masturbating was not helping. ‘To hell with rural rugged’. I said as I entered the orientation camp.