By Okolo Chinua 7 months ago

"My name is Dera. I was not taught to write. 

My first question was why he brought me to life if he didn't love me, if he didn't plan on ever loving me. Then I didn't know what writing was but maybe now I can give it a try... Who knows, I might get the hang of it. 



I've gained admission into the University. Finally, a change of scenery, these emotional arrows try to pierce me to death. I'm glad I can look another way now. I'm in a new hostel and I have new friends with me. There's Bube but I feel like I've been with him my whole life. There's him and there are others. There's my roommate who I can never seem to understand. Maybe I am the problem I do not know. 



I'm home today after walking several miles. They do not believe I trekked all those miles myself. To them, I'm an individual searching for publicity with a stunt. I did trek all that. I myself can't believe it. I hear my friends in the room talking about how much of a tight-palm I am. 'The other day he kept the bread until it spoilt before he brought it out for us to eat after we had begged him since...' one of them trails off. They do not know I can hear them. It wouldn't hurt if they would at least ask me why I had done so. Maybe then I'd be able to explain to them that what they thought was wrong all this while. I forgive them. I move on. I still talk to them like nothing happened. To me, we're all human and nobody is to be expected much from... We all fail ourselves in the end. I have a father whose actions have spelled that into my memory. Maybe that's why I don't have any siblings. But that is a topic Mother refuses to talk about, I do not want to hurt her either. 



I'm playing a game with the people I call friends. Their intensity to kill me in the game is so strong I feel like it comes from real desire. It cannot be ordinary... But that itself is human. I'll be leaving this new environment in a couple of months. I still don't know if they'll miss me. I'll miss each and everyone of them. The other day one of them said my relaxed hair made me look like a dog and automatically that became my name. He still makes mockery of me, to my front and behind me. I do not bear grudges. My smile is ever present. So maybe today I'll walk another long distance, miles, with earphones stuck in my ears or my headset over my head to take me away from this feeling... I do not bear grudges. 


Months After

It's been ages since I last wrote. The dust from my diary makes me dizzy. I wonder if books too feel loneliness. I've left my former hostel. I'm in a new place now. I'm starting over. I wonder if my friends from before will miss me. Restarting here is like restarting life. It's difficult. 



Mother, you know I'll always miss you. I can't get used to your demise. I wonder why Mother chose to leave now that I need her the most. I wonder why God always takes the good ones first. I want to ask but I can't ask why. Today I got off the phone with my father. I hear he's taken a new wife. I am not bothered. Father reminds me of my third line in this piece. I do not know what to say. My smile never fades... I do not bear grudges. Tomorrow is my birthday, I wonder how it will go. 



Myriads and myriads of pain, they say emotional pain is the most painful... I think I understand that now. I find it difficult to put down my feelings in a paper. I fear the paper won't be able to contain it. There's an exam tomorrow. My eyes feel weary. I'm scared of this course but I'll write again tomorrow. I'll write about my success... My eyes feel weary. I need to sleep. Tomorrow is a long day but I'll write..."    

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