Nothing in me is godly, it took me a minute to accept that truth. Alone, without the grace of God, I am vile, I am despicable, I am no good. I sort goodness with all I have and beat myself up for failing to obtain it because like sinking sand, it was over as soon as I caught a glimpse of it. Truth be told, I was just looking out for my self, my own glory.
It's scary to know that you have no control, that to be totally "yourself" is to be pure evil. Our authentic selves without God are creatures with evilness, jealousy, dissatisfaction, rage, selfishness, bitterness, hopelessness, without purpose. We are nothing!!!
My friends said I'm a bit of a perfectionist, another tough pill to swallow. Well, it's debatable but supposedly I was, not saying that I am but what if I was. Feeling out of control is one of the worst feelings for a perfectionist so I heard. So sometimes I wanted to do good on my own, just like when a father is training his daughter or son to ride a bicycle, I want Dad to let me show him I can ride on my own. If he would just let go and let me. Imagine that, asking God for control, me a mere mundane, hilarious.
I failed terribly to please God on my own.
One servant of God once said that for anything to stay alive, it has to remain connected to its source. When a branch is cut out of its mother plant it dies, if you cut a hand from your body it rots away, if you take a creation from its creator it ceases to advance, its life stops. Another minister said that in the grand plan of life, our main purpose, the only purpose of existence is to know God. We can't be masters of that which do not belong to us. To flourish, to live we must remain connected to our source, God.
The uttermost show of love, to live in unity with one that loves us entirely, unconditionally. It's like a baby being cuddled by its' mother, it's safe, warm, comfortable and there is absolutely no other better place that baby can be.
Purpose is liberating, now I wake up every day with a mission to seek God. Serving requires humility, submission, selflessness, denial and these are not easy things to give or even become. Every day I make an intentional choice to learn the art of total surrender. To hold still to my anchor, to fully surrender my weakness, my desires, my sins, my worries, my pride, my wickedness laying down everything one day at a time. Anything that feels like am still holding on to the wheel instead of God.
"The soul of man bears the image of God; so nothing can satisfy it but he whose Image it bears. Our soul, says Augustine, was created as by God, so for God, and is never quiet till it rests in God. -Thomas Gataker"