My Believe

By Lawrence Ruth 13 months ago

My Believe

Am beginning to feel there's no God at all. At least from the things am experiencing I just feel there's no God at all.   If truelly there's a God then he's not as loving, as caring and as compassionate and merciful as people and his words described him.

     Why would  there be a God the bible, pastors, men of God, prophets and prophetess including the Christians, so much said there's, who created the world, man and everything within  and was said to love them, to have loved the world or his people but yet stays where ever he is watching people dying in pains, frustration, persecutions, etc.

     You tell me there's a God who so much love his people but people pray to him day in and day out, morning and night, fast and pray yet to some it takes years for their prayers to be answered, some till their death they don’t  receive what they prayed for while some don't have to pray for them to get their heart desires... 

   I always hear there's a God. They call him a perfect God and a merciful God but he watch his children or people convert to another religion or in fact non because they haven't seen anything to prove there's really an existing God or a caring and a living God that they were made to believe.

   Could there ever be a caring God that loves me,  cares for me and have something great for me in store while I faced the kind of unpleasant childhood experience I had, the maltreatment, child abuse, child molestation, and other things you can consider or seen as an improper treatment towards a growing child.

     Could there be a perfect and a caring God with unconditional love towards me, who had been watching over me as I got in to school, did the necessary thing I need to do, wrote exams to get in higher institution but till this very day am still looking for admission.

      Could there be a Most high God who listen to peoples prayer or the prayer of his children, that Almighty God, the one they said sent his only begotten son because he so much loves the world " That is if he truelly loves them " as his words describe it. Is it not this same God I prayed to, fasted and coupled my prayers and expectation with serious study. I read like I never did before, prayed and fasted and having done my part as a student I waited for God to do his part, where was this God when I had pass in my math?, where was he when I was writing different jambs just to get admission?, where was he when I was dupe?, Where was he while all this challenges been going on. 

      You tell me there's a God, while people suffer even those that don't deserve to suffer.

      With all these things that has been going on, am beginning to feel there isn't a God at all.

    It looks like from childhood we were made to believe in a being in order to create some level of  discipline, orderliness  and fear in us. Our parent were made to believe what they made us to believe, some still goes to church but are atheist at heart. Some believe there's a God some don't... 

    Is there really a true God or the one the bible describe there is? 

I ended my letter with  a firm question, I just hope this man gives me a reasonable answer else by tomorrow I might become an atheist. I said more to myself after neatly folding the letter then placed it inside a brown envelope. 

“ Kufrey!” I heard my name, I new it was my mum calling and what else was she calling me for but to go have my bathe and dress up for Sunday service something I was too reluctant  to do, if it wasn’t for my dad I would have stayed home. I went out to fetch some water which I could use to bath that cold hammatern morning, I bought a bucket of water which was ten naira, I got home, a little batcher containing about eight tenants. We had to use one public toilet and a public bathroom. So we wait to have our bath whenever someone else in the bathroom or toilet. I had to wait when I got to the bathroom to have my bath, I went into the room I share with my patent, I had waited for an hour before checking on the person having her bath to my greatest surprise she was still bathing “what was she doing till this time,? What kind of body is she sponging? Ah!” I wondered I went back to the room.

 Seeing me with a long face my mother asked in our dialect “Inciro?” but I just nod my head nothing. I hate complaining things to my parents it makes feel like a child which I don’t like. I waited  patiently  for the queen of England to leave the bathroom so I could bath.

Some minutes later I went to check on her but she was still bathing “Aba!” I muttered  “Oh girl! You no go do commot from that place, na pikin you dey born?” I sputtered angrily. 

“ ah, wait na, na me tell you make you come by this time” she replied coming out from the bathroom.

“You spent more than an hour inside there yet you’re coming out with soap on your head,na only you no wetin you been dey do inside” I muttered 

“ In no concern you, go baf Jo” she replied with a hiss. Not wanting a womans trouble I ignored her and went inside to bath. Within twenty minutes I was through I dressed up for the service wearing one of my best Ankara dress. By the time I was ready to move, my parent had gone.

   “ lucky me today” I whispered more to myself. I hate going to the church with my parent, my mum loves it but I don’t. I don’t feel the whole freedom to do what I want in their presence, for instance, giving a pretty girl passing by a sharp wink, hissing to call a gorgeous lady or looking at each beautiful damsel that pass me. Once I turn to look at them or call any one that catch my eye my mother would say in our dialect.

“ Inciro?” meaning what’s it then she will continue “What are you looking at? You better hold that thing that’s hungrying you it’s not in the market”. I hate it when she speaks that way then my dad will conclude 

“Don’t mind him, until he turns a girl into a woman or a mother that’s when the thing disturbing him will rest but let me tell you one thing” my dad would continue “Any girl that cones to disturbed my peace with her mother that you put her daughter in the family way, hmm, that day you’re not only going to take the girl but you will leave my house as well because I can’t be suffering for you to go and bring another load for me” my dad will say then add another annoying comment “its your mate that are out there working, building houses, and getting married with their kids, your own is just to open your big mouth to eat all the atama soup your mother prepared” my dad would say and that always get me mad if there’s anything I hate so much then it’s “comparism”  I hate being compared with others…..

   Well lucky me today, at least I have the opportunity to look at all the pretty girls in the world, so long as those old couple won’t see me. 

    I finally made it to the church and there at the pulpit the man whom I wrote a letter to stood there preaching. I don’t know if there’s anyone who hates preaching as I do. Ever since things seems to get worst I began to doubt my fate and here’s is this man I once loved preaching fate and miracle. Nothing annoys me than to see people fall by just one touch from the pastor then funny enough some roll on the ground, this things never moved me no matter how the pastor touch or shook me. Then the most annoying of all is seeing someone testifying of receiving two million or eight million with out working then he terms it “ miracle or wonders”. I’ve been asking God just to give me admission or a reasonable job but here  am seeing and hearing of someone receiving millions without working….. 

     Immediately after the service I met the pastor we spoke for a long time before I handed him the letter I wrote then left for home.

At home my parent were home already and had their meal of cold garri and edikaiko soup, that was actually our dinner last night and breakfast again. I felt sad and bitter, with a sigh I went inside the batcher room. My parent exchange looks and turned to have a look round the compound. 

Inside the surfisticated room I thought of what to do. I don’t want to leave same life as my parent, I wanted something different, something different and great and I know staying at Home with my parent doing nothing is nothing but a waste of time and energy, I have to do something at least for my own good because my parent have seen life enough and have enjoyed what they want as for me I haven’t even started.

 I thought of someone I know in town, that I  can stay with while working. Am good at technical work, I’ve handled computer, electrical tools and gadgets, I can design and am good at trading especially trading with girls. I have to do something. I looked outside at my parent who were so comfortable talking about the present government and what the future will be like. I thought of going out there to meet them and tell them my intension of going into the city to find something for myself. I know my dad would love the idea and would readily get ride of me but my mum was just a hard nut to crack. Probably I should just call my dad alone and talk to him as “mam to man” but wait….. that wouldn’t be fair to my mum , how will she feel when am gone? Whatever I have to meet them both they’re my parent. With a final decision I went out boldly to my parent.

“Papa, mama” I began after clearing my throat, instead receiving a reply my parent only stared at me.

“ what is it Kufrey?” my dad asked

“ Emmm…. “ I starmmered, “ emm, dad , mum, the thing is that I want to go into the city and find some work to do, am tired of staying at home, looking for admission and doing nothing, let me go into the city and see if there’s anything for me there” I explained. My parent were calm I could see the smile at my dad lip but as for my mum she became sober.

   “Finally my son is thinking like a man” that was my dad speaking “ so who is it in the city you know that you can stay with?” my dad asked “  one of my secondary school friend, Friday who stays at the city” I explained 

“ well” my dad muttered playing with his hair “ well, you have to be very careful at the city and brings us no trouble, do you understand?”  

“ yes papa” I replied with a smile 

“ wait ooooooo” my mum cuts us. My smile fades away I wondered what she has to say 

“I don’t feel too good with this idea, must he go to the city?” She asked 

“ where else do you want him to go to?” my dad asked her

“ Hah!, He’s my only son o, I don’t have the strength to push another one” she muttered 

“As if I have the strength to do the thing with you” my dad replied back

“ As if you weren’t begging me last night to do that with you” my mum sputtered I couldn’t help but smile, I almost laughed at the old couple.

“ Mother! Father!” I called their attention.

“ don’t mind your father o, he hasn’t finish taking care of you and he wants me to push another one” my mum muttered

“ don’t listen to this woman, I didn’t do anything with her” they kept arguing.

“ alright, I  will be leaving to the city tomorrow,” I told them and my dad final conclusion, I left.

The next day I took the little clothes I had and with some foodstuff my mum gave to me I carried them to leave before waving bye to my parent I told my dad who held my mum

“ Mama said she doesn’t have any strength to push, so leave her alone papa, don’t force her” 

“ Tell him oooooo” my mum chip in

“ My friend, shut up your mouth. What do you know. You better don’t come back with a girl carrying your baby, come back home with your wife to be and with the intention of building a home” my dad said

“ thank you Papa” I replied and with that I waved them goodbye before mounting a machine.

       Once I got into the city my Friend Friday who had been waiting for my arrival came at once to pick me from the park.

“ how far guy?” He called out to me with a smile. We shook hands, hugged and laughed together. Friday was my secondary school best friend. We did everything almost together we were mate with same dream of becoming engineers although Friday has gotten admission and would be graduating the next year. He looks robust and healthy.

“ guy how far, this one you dey like this, e be like say na for your village the president dey lead most” he said

“ you mean your papa village?” I replied and we both laughed at the joke.

We got into a bungalow with a Honda Jeep parked aside.

“Wait oooooo” I paused. “ Friday na your house be this?” I asked be mused

“ Before na your own? Or e resemble your house” he replied.

“ hey! Guy, how did you make it to this level? I mean you’re a student so how did you manage to get the money you use in building the house and buying this expensive car?” I asked looking round the house. I noticed there was swimming pool too and gym spot too. I was too shock to say a word 

“ Friday, how did you get the money to get all these?” I asked again.

“ don’t worry guy, you will soon understand this is city not that rural side where you came from, so chilax” he replied. 

“Alright” I replied. The most important thing is that I’ve got a place to stay, a nice one for that matter. 

 We got into his room and I almost fainted by what I saw. The interior design and looks was just amazing, from the choice of paint to the furniture and the floral designs. I couldn’t help but love what I was seeing but what still Marvel’s me was how he got the money as a student he was to build such an amazing building it was simple yet amazing.

“ feel at home, he told me” I noticed he had house helps who kept the house neat and cook for him I wonder if he wasn’t scared of them poisoning him and running away with his money. This guy must be a business  guy, I imagined.

“ Erica” he called one of his house helps and there a beautiful damsel appeared to take his order

“ This is your new master” Friday said pointing at me “give him whatever thing he ask of you but first serve him a chill drink then ask him what he want to eat” Friday instructed her while she moved fast to his biddings. I looked at her lustily as she walks fast swaying her hips. Friday noticed my looks then asked

“ Interested in the girl” he asked with a smile.

“ oh, no I was just admiring her hips” I replied looking embarrassed

“ that means you’re interested in her” Friday nod but I told him no, even if I love girls I know just how to control myself moreover I wasn’t ready to father any child or put any girl in the family way. After few talks Friday excused himself for something he called “ an important meeting”.

     Later that same day at night, we had a very hot party. Girls of all kind flocked in, guys were not excluded I noticed they were same class as Friday. They danced and wined, although the party was hot and the ladies sexy too but these weren’t the kind of things I want. On my way to the toilet I met and saw girls and guys who can’t help themselves to the bedroom but just do the unthinkable  at the passage. I felt disgusted, this people don’t have shame I thought.

I got into the toilet to ease myself on my way out I met a young pretty girl on a skimpy dress, I could see her boobs and thigh.

“ Hello” she smiled mischievously “ wanna suck?” she asked bending low. I felt really disgusted and throwing up, I pushed the girl aside moving fast to my room.

“ That girls crazy ” I thought. “ did she actually expect me to suck her boobs or what, do I look like a baby or like those stupid guys” I pondered. I has seen enough non sense and I thought it was time for me to go in.

The next day I called Friday out and ask him the kind of business he does but he always comes up with one story or the other, tired of asking him same question I made known to him my intention of looking for reasonable job to do any electrical inclined job.

“ Don’t you want to school again?” he asked me

“ No need for it, am tired of waiting for an admission moreover I don’t have interest in it, I want to use my talent and make some nice money, build my home, get my cars, get a wife for myself and build a family with my wife” I told him firmly.

“ Nice one” he nod his head.

“ won’t you introduce me to your business?” I asked him then I notice the change in his mood

“ no, you won’t like it” he muttered then we ended the talk


A week later, I got a job at a company to be working as their electrician. I fix their broken systems and any electrical faults. I made and got new friends and most of all I tried my best for my client and the company. I did well for the company when it comes getting customers to patronize them. I was the lady’s guy who know how to talk the ladies into coming next time and you can tell from their look that some of them didn’t come to buy but just to see me, like some would like to give me some cash but I see it as an insult, I wouldn’t take a penny from a girl, no!, Not even a Kobo, a girl can’t feed me I should be the one feeding them or giving them the cash not them to me. So I always rejected their money, the more they persist the more I struggle to work hard and make my own money.

     My Christian life was really degrading, I rarely go to church or read my Bible not because I’ve become worldly  but because I thought God has abandon me so what’s the need serving a being who can’t see you through. I lived my life simple although Friday lifestyle was too tempting but I never got distracted because I knew what I want.

A friend of mine Edidiong who has been praying for a bike came running to me one early morning.

“Guy, guess?” he jabbered I wondered what could make him so happy if it wasn’t his wishe coming to pass.

“ You got a new bike” I said then “hop!” Edidiong jumped on me.

“ my guy you get sense” he smiled  “ Omo, I say if papa God no answer my prayer na in be say e no be Go” he laughed 

“ So finally you’ve gotten the bike you’ve been praying and dreaming of” I asked him with a smile 

“ Yes oooo, come let me give you a ride” he gibbered but I declined I remember the boss wanted to see me.

“ maybe later” I told him then ran off to meet my boss.

“ Good afternoon sir” I greeted once I got into his office

“ Afternoon Kufrey” he smiled at me.

“ Please sit down” he said pointing at a seat in front of his desk.

“ I don’t really have much to say, Kufrey” he began. “ but I just want to thank you for your works” he said then I gave him a look that says “ thanks for what work?” but I kept quite.

“ The company really appreciate your work so far, not just the work you were employed for but your ability in drawing more customers to the company” he said then I felt a bit relieved

“ever since you came in” he continued “ the company received an increased in both sales and the number of clients who came looking for you in pretence of patronising the company. Kufrey” he said then paused, I just stared at him 

“ congratulation” my boss said giving me a hand shake 

“ For what sir?” I asked looking perplexed.

“ The company added eighty thousand to your next salary, you’ve been transferred to Lagos to work at the main branch” the boss said and I laughed so hard, he didn’t know why I was laughing so he smiled back.

“ you deserve that Kufrey” he said “we will see later” he said then I knew I had to excuse him. I ran to look for Edidiong but couldn’t find him, I went to the place I meet him before seeing the boss but he wasn’t there either then I went to his duty post there I saw some of the workers murmuring and weeping silently I wondered what the problem was. I meet one of them aside and asked “ what’s the problem?” 

“ It's Edidiong” the lady sobbed “ what happen to him, where’s he?” I asked confused.

“He’s gone” she sobbed harder, I gave her a look which say “ are you crazy?” I left her then  I met a young man standing at the door 

“ Good afternoon” I greeted “ please what’s the problem, why is every one in this mood” I asked him

“ Edidiong got an accidental few minutes ago while riding his new bike” the young man explained and that got me confused. Is he trying to tell me that Edidiong the guy I just left who had wanted to give me a ride kicked the bucket, or is he mistaking him for someone else ..

“ please sir, I don’t understand, I just spoke with Edidiong few minutes ago, so how’s it that  he gone now?” I asked

“ I don’t know, I only told you what know and that is Edidiong is gone”. The man sputtered and left.

I became more confused as my blood ran cold, I could feel the goose pimples coming up my body, I was shivering not with fear but at the sudden disappearance of a close friend and brother.

This was a guy who has been begging and asking  God to give him  a bike, God has answered his prayer or wants but look what’s his own desire has landed him to. If God hasn’t answered him, he would have term him bad or not existing as I did but here God has given him what he has been asking for but that only lead him to his departure. If God had listened to him from the day he has been praying he would have long been gone. I would have been gone too if I had followed him to have a rid thank God for the call I had from the boss.

After looking at what happened to Edidiong, I compared it to my life. Could it be that there’s something God is protecting me from? that’s why I didn’t get admission into school, could it be that I might killed by some cult group? or I may join one thing or the other? could it also mean that going to school at that period would harm me? then God is protecting me from them all by not allowing me have my way, could it also be that my destination isn’t there at school or cold it be that he has something great for me at this company hence hinder my admission into school? All this was just to protect me but I never think that way until this very incident that happened to Edidiong.

Finally I thought, probably there’s a true God who think differently from the way we humans think.

A week later I my got salary of hundred thousand. I never expected that amount, twenty thousand used to be my salary but here with me I have one hundred thousand and from the next month I will soon start receiving eighty thousand as my salary, an amount that even some graduate and professionals aren’t receiving. I was so glad, finally there’s a God.

The next day I sent fifty thousand naira to my patent after eight months of being away from home. I told them to manage that, I will soon send more to then.  I did as I said. A year later I left Friday to Lago, I rented a some house where I could be leaving. My salary was nice. So I thought of building a house at home, I talked to my dad on phone then as agreed I sent him some money every month to build me a magnificent house.

Eight years later I got a beautiful damsel whom I propose to, I didn’t waist time to take her home and show her  to my parent a month later we got married. My parent were so proud of me.

A year later I welcomed my first kids into the world they were identical twin boys. On my child dedication, I met the man of God whom I once wrote a later to ten years ago.

“ I don’t think there’s a need for me to explain there’s a true God” he said then I smiled and said

“ There’s no need sir, there really is true and one God”. 

Finally I just learnt from my little experience that life doesn’t really go the way we want it and God doesn’t just give us our needs the way we ask him. He hears every of our need and pick the good one for us. He’s aware of our needs that can harm us hence he declined  giving them to us. The experience I had at my company with Edidiong thought me a lesson that not every of our needs is good for us, one may pray for a huge car not knowing that, that car can lead to his death, some may pray for admission not knowing the very day they step into school marks their end. And as for Friday, he was later arrested and accused of being a yahoo guy, the government took all his prooerties, and that also thought me a lesson that easy and shot way of making money aren't the best they always have ways of disgracing you. Then from little experience I also noticed from my own little life experience that we only feel okay with  God and appreciate what he does only when he answers our prayer and gives us what we want we never care what he thinks of us because we just believe he’s almighty.


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